Be Curious, Not Judgmental (The Ted Lasso Way)
Six things the TV series reveals about how to live, lead and love people well
I’ve been with my girl for 18 months.
In that time, we have trialled a bunch of TV series as a couple, but none of them had stuck, until we gave Ted Lasso a crack last week.
Since then, we have been obsessed.
Our first official couples binge-watch series. We’ve managed to crank out a couple of shows a night for the past week or so, and we have loved every minute of it.
We have laughed in unison over and over again. Enjoyed the character development, sub-plots, humour and tension. Everything about it has been captivating, insightful and just so, so funny.
If you haven’t watched it, do yourself a favour and start tonight.
Note: this newsletter may include spoilers from season 1.
A bit about the show…
Some quick context for the uninitiated…
Ted Lasso is about an American gridiron coach who is hired to coach a lowly English Premier League side in soccer (football).
He is flown to the other side of the world to coach a team of men he has no relationship with, in a game he has no idea about, in a country he is not familiar with.
We soon learn that his hiring was part of an evil revenge plan concocted by the club’s new owner, Rebecca, to spite her ex-husband Rupert, who loved the club. Rebecca gained ownership of the club after Rupert left it to her in their divorce.
Despite being set up to fail, Ted is undeterred.
He slowly and methodically wears everyone down, gains their trust and builds camaraderie in a team whose soul had left them.
Ted’s enthusiasm, energy, and optimism are disarming and playful, but his sense of justice and principle earns him respect throughout the community. Eventually, the club and the town that supports them begin to change their tune.
Here are 6 things I have taken from the show so far, and why I think it is a superb representation of the core Stoic principles I attempt to live my life by:
1. You catch way more flies with honey
As the saying goes…
You catch way more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.
Speaking literally, honey is sticky, whereas vinegar is not. But metaphorically, honey is sweet.
Being sweet (ie. nice/pleasant) is a much more potent tool for building connections. Yes, we live in a world where people are inherently pessimistic, but remaining pleasant in the face of that is a very quick way to disarm people.
Energy and enthusiasm are infectious.
Whether by design or accident, carrying yourself around with a certain energy will eventually bleed into those around you.
Have you ever spent time around someone who complains all day about their work?
After two days, you will also be convinced that the world is shit.
But spend a week around someone who oozes optimism, like Ted…
You will start seeing the brighter side of life. Maybe not right away, but eventually it’ll sink in.
Connecting with people through negative means (eg. bitching, moaning, fear, pessimism) might illicit a quicker connection, as people tend to find these easier. But connecting with people through sweeter alternatives (eg. optimism, confidence, laughter, joy) will build deeper and stronger connections.
If you want to relate to people, use vinegar.
If you want to lead people, use honey.
2. Curiosity is a superpower
Right from the moment he arrives at the club, Ted begins employing his cagey curiosity.
The first thing he does when he comes onto the home ground and training facilities of AFC Richmond is to walk out onto the playing surface. He wants to get a feel for it.
He clocks team assistant Nate and begins making conversation. Nate is taken aback as Ted asks what his name is:
Over and over again, Ted chooses curiosity when encountering a new character.
He is always seeking to understand.
Through curiosity, he is able to find common ground with everyone in the club. Once you find common ground with a human being, they are much more likely to hear you out.
Curiosity invites understanding, and understanding invites camaraderie.
Being curious simply means not to assume. Remove your pre-conceived ideas about a topic/person/environment and attempt to understand what is actually going on.
Epictetus put it simply:
“It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.”
Ted operates like he knows nothing—and that’s exactly why everyone eventually trusts him.
I say it is a superpower because it is a rare trait.
Most people do not wish to understand. Most people have their way, their thoughts, and their expectations, and they push them onto those around them.
This may build complicity, but it rarely delivers connection.
3. Doing hard stuff is sexy
Over and over again, the characters in the show are faced with challenges.
They are constantly being brought to a crossroad and asked to choose—the easy way or the right way.
Every single time, they choose the hard way.
Not because it is easy, but because it is right. They don’t always get the desired outcomes, but in the eyes of the viewer (ie. me), they have succeeded.
The Stoics called this Amor Fati—love of fate.
The idea that every obstacle, every crossroads, every uncomfortable moment isn’t happening to you. It’s happening for you.
Ryan Holiday built a whole book around it. Ted Lasso built a whole show around it through repeated action in the face of adversity.
Doing hard stuff is not easy.
It requires courage. It requires the removal of expectation. It requires foresight into the potential outcomes.
Often in life, people choose the wrong path not because they are bad or evil, but because it is much simpler not to face adversity. It is much simpler to defer pain to a future that may not arrive.
Through the show, we see countless examples of characters choosing the hard way.
Roy standing up for Nate
Keeley’s admission to Roy that she slept with Jamie
Rebecca’s confession to Ted about her reasons for hiring him
Sam’s protest against Dubai Air
Higgins’ truth bomb to Coach Beard about his relationship with Jane
Every single time, they do it without fear of consequence
And every single time they appear sexier to the viewer for doing so.
4. Mental health can affect anyone
There are so many things I love about this show, but probably the thing I have found most fascinating is the role mental health plays in Ted.
A guy who has just gone through a divorce, attempting to do the impossible, with the entire world against him, continues to plot forward seemingly undeterred. But eventually it catches up to him.
The pressure builds inside until he can’t contain it any longer.
In a brilliant scene toward the end of season one, Ted suffers a panic attack.
The team is out celebrating a big win when anxiety overwhelms him in a crowded karaoke bar. His hands start shaking, and the feeling takes over to the point he pushes his way through the crowd to escape to the street, where he is found by Rebecca curled up and breathing heavily.
I’ve felt this exact thing, more times than I can count.
It’s terrifying.
I love the fact that the show decides to take the character there, because it is so real.
No amount of optimism or ‘she’ll be right’ can subdue the undercurrent of anxiety that we all deal with, if not addressed properly.
The work is the work is the work is the work.
Even Ted, with a bulletproof character and seemingly unflappable brightness, is taken down and totally floored by this panic attack.
This scene illustrates so brilliantly that mental health can come for all of us, at any time. Despite how ‘together’ people may lead on, what is going on inside may be a completely different story.
Don’t take things for granted. Never judge a book by its cover.
All the cliches…
The point is that mental health is real, panic attacks are debilitating, and a smile does not mean someone is not drowning in pain.
5. Lessons learned are bigger than results earned
What we learn along the way and who we become are worth more than any trophy.
This show illustrates this over and over again.
One example is when Jamie, after departing Richmond and heading back to Premier League side Man City, finds himself a bit lost.
So he returned to the club that was actually helping him grow as a human.
He accepted the demotion and assumed his place on the outskirts of the club because he knew deep down that this was his only shot at redemption.
Prioritising self-development over ego and fame.
Another great example is when the team, after four straight draws, finally have a change of fortune… a loss.
But despite the loss, the team are seen celebrating in the locker room, not because they lost, but because they had rallied behind Sam in his protest against Dubai Air.
The team was united.
Probably my favourite example so far was when Keeley attempted to help Roy work through his identity crisis. Roy Kent, football superstar and former Chelsea hard man, is weighing up retirement and feeling the dread of being a regular person again.
After having football been his key identifying feature since the age of 12, he doesn’t know who he is going to be during life after football. In a very sweet scene, his new partner Keeley calls over Roy’s niece Phoebe. She tells her to close her eyes and say everything she knows about her Uncle Roy.
She proceeds to rattle off a bunch of identifying features and concludes with ‘I love him’, not once mentioning his status as a professional footballer.
Life is rewarding if we allow it to be.
Wins are not wins if we do it with people we despise. Success feels empty if all we have to show for it is a trophy. Fame is not important if we can’t be true to ourselves.
The show constantly brings its characters to a place that is hard to digest—a setback, a loss, an identity crisis etc, and every time the characters have a choice… do I choose the ego that has served me to this point, or do I evolve to the higher version of myself?
When it’s all said and done, people will remember what you did, not who you were.
Legacy is founded on character, not accolades.
6. What’s good for the whole is good for the part
In Stoicism, there is an idea called Cosmopolitanism.
It basically refers to the collective consciousness and interconnectedness of man (Ie. we are all part of one living entity called humanity).
The Stoics believed that if something was good for the community, it was good for the individual, not every individual, but the average individual that makes up that collective.
Conversely, something bad for the community is likely to be bad for the average individual.
“What is not good for the beehive cannot be good for the bee.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Coming from a game like Gridiron, Ted always prioritised a team-first mentality. Gridiron is a game with so many moving parts that the team has no choice but to be aligned at all times.
Every single thing we do is adding to or taking away from the collective.
By putting the team first, the collective first, we may get some things wrong, but if the collective succeeds, then it is ultimately good for the individual.
Too many people think with a ‘me first’ mentality.
Emphasising their own selfish desires and needs to feel powerful and rewarded. By removing the ego, prioritising the whole and focusing on collective success, we free ourselves from the burden and loneliness of individualism.
Life is a lot more fun when we are sharing…
Sharing wins.
Sharing our losses.
Sharing our war stories.
Sharing our dreams and passions.
Sharing the pain and torment of human life.
Ted forces his team and the people in his orbit to gravitate toward this thinking because he understands the importance of the team.
He makes tough choices with the team in mind.
Occasionally putting individuals off-side (pun not intended), but eventually bringing them back to the truth… that life is way more interesting when shared through the lens of community and connection.
Final thoughts
This show has been a lovely reminder of the good in people.
It shines a light on all of the selfishness and shitty behaviour that every one of us is capable of, but it chooses to reveal a more wholesome and rewarding path forward.
It reveals our deepest insecurities: separation, loss, heartbreak.
But it reminds us of our greatest strengths: courage, honesty, perseverance.
There is a bit of Ted in all of us, and the more we can lean into that, the better the world around us becomes.
Life is hard, but you are harder.
In the words of Ted Lasso…
Every day is a chance to be better than we were the day before.
That’s all for this week, gang.
With gratitude,
SAV
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